She Carried Me

She carried me

She carried me for 9 months
This woman
Who didn’t know whether she was coming or going
This woman who was on the run from more than her personal demons
Still she carried me

Uncertainty blanketed her world
She could not raise me she knew that
Still she fantasised
Dreamed about being the perfect mum
The perfect wife
Maybe now that I’m carrying his child
He will remain just by my side
Maybe this is what he needs to wake up
To wake up to me
To see that I need him to rescue me
Still she carried me
Nausea
Back ache
Heart ache
Still she carried me

She knew that she could not be a good mother
Still she carried me
Heard the accusations
Saw the terror in their eyes
Still she carried me
All the while loving me
Even though she hadn’t met me
She felt me move as she held her tummy
She never asked for much
Just mango leaves
And sponge from the side of her bed
Still she carried me
The sing songs of the benefits of an abortion filled her head
The easy way out
How many tears she must of shed
Still she carried me

Life’s more complicated than we think
And it would be easy to hate her
I’m surprised that I never did
What I know for certain is that she carried me
And was able to make the hard decisions so that my life now
Can be what it is

My mother
She carried me
Even when aborting me would of been the easier option

She carried me knowing that her demons would get the better of her
She carried me knowing that she’d never be a part of my life
Never see me grow up
Have 1st kisses
And stupid boyfriends
See me walk down the aisle
Or carry my child
She knew all of this I’m sure
At least that’s what I tell myself
It’s the story that my children will know

Your grandmother was never a part of life
But she carried me for 9 months
She gave me life